The Passing Crow

They say you never get over the loss of a parent. They say you really can't understand what it's like to feel the loss of such a key component of your life - until you do. Time eases the pain - lessons the immediate sting...but you never, ever, truly feel 'healed' when you think of your loss - when you start missing this person. Sometimes the slightest thing brings back a world of memories...not that the person is ever really far from memory at any point in time.

I picked Mom up after work last night. How I enjoy our 'girlie' time; since Dad's passing it's like all the love she had for him is being redistributed around to us. Every good-bye there's a hug, and a big hug...something that was rare years ago. Her pride keeps her from calling on her own, but there's a little smirk in her voice when I call her. I love her so much...and I'm so scared to lose her. I hope she has many more years ahead - I feel selfish, because she is now without her life partner - but we need her here.

Our night started out with her noticing the crow walking along the lawn as she was getting buckled in, "Look Amber, there he is!"...A big black crow was proudly walking along the side of the driveway, beak held high in the air. He looked like he was strutting. Every time Mom & I leave the house we always see him. To us, he's our 'sign' that Dad is always 'there'. Dad loved to talk to the crows - he'd throw old bread scraps out to them. He'd open the back door and 'caw' to them...'talking to them'...all of the time. Mom always joked, "one day you're going to come back as a crow". And come back he does...regularly :).

We talked a lot about Dad last night...from reminiscing about times when he was silly...to the last days in the hospital. I felt a deep sadness as I drove out of the driveway. The same sadness I felt when I drove away from Mom on the nights after dropping her home after we'd been to the hospital. The same sadness I felt leaving her after I'd visit in the early days after he'd passed away. Tears fell as I drove the distance, but as quickly as the sadness came over me, it left, as I pulled back into my own driveway...to my own home, and my own life I've started outside of Mom & Dad's house.

He's always with us...in our thoughts, our minds, our hearts...he's the breeze flowing through the curtain...he's in the waves washing along the shore...he's the twinkle in our eyes...he's the silly laughter after a bad joke...the comfort of a warm blanket on a cool night... he's even the proud strut of the passing crow.

I love you, Dad. :)