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Sunday, 15 July 2012

"Love in my eyes means you can't stand to spend the rest of your life with anybody else"*

(Better late than never, right?)

The setting is the gorgeous Curacao, and the top 3 choices for the fantasy suites (should they so choose) are for Sean, Arie & Jef-with-one-f.  Based on bare chests alone, I'd say Sean is the proper choice, but I know there's gotta be more than a hot chest to make a relationship work.  Besides, he hasn't told her he loves her yet, right? (*rolling eyes*)

Sean's date is up first, and they hop on a chopper to take in the beautiful sights of Curacao before landing on a private island {man that chest looks divine in that deep v-neck doesn't it?}.  They chatter about love & relationships, and though Emily is chompin' on the bit to hear those three little words, he instead suggests they go snorkelling.  A candlelit dinner on the beach and a verbal prompt from her, just wondering how he feels, prompts a letter that Sean composed for Ricki, provided it works out for the two of them.  The letter was super sweet, super eloquent, and it nearly brought a tear to my own eye. That letter's gotta make him a shoe-in for a spot in the final two, don'tcha think?  Finally, the foreplay is over, and Sean confesses what she's wanting to hear all this time, and she can then cross his name off the "Men that told me that they love me on the Bachelorette", list.  As if on cue, the offer to forego their individual rooms is on the table, and though she expresses her desire to stay up all night long with him (well duh! name me ONE woman in America who WOULDN'T!), she ends up sending him home, sans a-beddin'.

Jef-with-one-f's date is up next, and they head to a ship in the beautiful blue water {for the life of me I can't understand why Emily hasn't decided to put her hair up during these windy dates.  Watching her push the hair out of her lipgloss is getting so, so very old}.  They chat about how good of a parent Jef will be and they sail and kiss into the sunset.  Jef-with-one-f has long-confessed his love for her, so there's no doubt that he could be one of the final two.  They share dinner on the beach and talk about their potential future, and she confesses she'd move to whereever he was.  I think they kinda look odd together -he looks like her son, in my opinion, but I do like him.  He's very well-versed, very polite, and even though it appears to be a very Mrs. Robinson-esque affair, they do share a very strong connection {those damn crickets or whatever they hell they are are driving me effing bonkers!}.  Ever the gentleman, out of respect for Ricki and his own religious family, he opts out of the overnight part of the fantasy suite, a decision that Emily had already decided, and she was very delighted that they had shared the same view point.

 And finally, Arie's one-on-one date is upon us.  They chill out on a catamaran {oh my God there she goes again with the hair down and the wind whipping it around.  Pass the woman a scrunchie for Jebus sake} and swim with dolphins.  Every single chance she gets she confesses to the camera how much she looooovves kissing Arie.  The physical connection is there.  And she's already refused two 'overnight' rendez-vous so far, so she must be friggin horny by now.  They make their way to their dinner table {Arie, those skinny jeans are a complete fiasco and they make me question your preferences.  Really.}.  He toasts to them and to their "evening", complete with a wink, capitalizing on his smarm. To me, their conversation was awkward, and led me to believe that he's in no way, shape, or form ready to be a daddy.  Perhaps he feels that awkwardness too, because he steers the conversation back to "them" as a couple, which gives him time to conjure up how one earns a child's trust.  This seems to assure her that Ricki would love to be Arie's "best buddy".  And despite how much she looooovesss to kiss Arie, Emily's lust "inner struggle" results in her not even offering him the fantasy suite card because she couldn't trust herself {I sure hope she's not reading 50 Shades while on this journey}.

Obviously her inner struggle has even affected her fashion decision because she waltzes in for the rose ceremony in the most hideous of all get-ups that I've ever seen.  Mismatched jewels, a tinfoil skirt & a tank top just ready for a sweat at the gym.  Oh, and NOW she opts to put her hair up?  While she's inside?  All three men have recorded messages for her - all sincere, and she had a look of horror on her face through each one.  To all of America's horror, though, in the end, she chose smarm over charm, and sent Sean packing.  I have one question, and one question alone:  "WHY!??!!?".  And, I look very forward to a return of gorgeous Sean in his own season of the Bachelor.

*Quote from Sean, and perhaps the leading line for the next season of the Bachelor?  Hey Chris Harrison, are you reading?

Thursday, 12 July 2012

just what DO you have?

Because I'm all kinds of lazy I didn't have a lunch to bring with me today.  Because I know that I've been putting too much crap in my body I opted out of the more desirable cheeseburger and fries that I really wanted for a more sensible option of a sandwich for lunch today.  Because I wanted needed some retail therapy I opted for the ever-quick Tim Hortons drive-thru so I could order quick, eat quick, and get me to Reitmans. Because it was effin' HOT I thought I'd try that new frozen lemonade to go with my ham & cheese on whole wheat.  So I place my order... "I'm sorry ma'am, but our machine is down for cleaning so I can't get you a frozen lemonade" (might I remind you that today might have been the hottest day on record of the summer so far. But it was down. For cleaning.  Right.).  Ok. Without batting an eye, I then opted for a smoothie.  "I'm sorry ma'am, but our machine is down so I can't get you a smoothie, but we do have iced capps, lattes, etc".  Ok. So even though my heart was set on lemonade, I opt for the iced capp, because it was effing hot and I wanted something cold.  I get to the window.  I flash my debit card at the lady taking my money.  She hands me their debit machine (how the heck did we manage without that at Tims before, anyway?).  Just as I'm about to insert my card in the slot the lady says, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we're fresh out of ham (yeah I'm paraphrasing; pretty sure she wasn't completely Dr. Suess), but we have chicken, turkey, egg salad...." (are you effing kidding me?).   Thinking I really should have gone for that cheeseburger & fries, I sigh a little and accept the offer of the egg salad.  Least it wasn't processed meat, right?  She then said, "I'm just glad you didn't ask for a smoothie because our machine is down...".  I just sorta glared at her and said, "Honey, we already went down that road with the lemonade... and then the smoothie...".  She smiled meekly and said, "Well sometimes I don't hear the's your sandwich, have a good day now".  Looking at the skanty sandwich before me, I'm pretty certain that the next person to order an egg salad sandwich was about to here, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we're out of eggs".  I think they just rubbed the bun over the remnants of what was left of the egg salad mix and threw a brown leaf of lettuce on top to avoid saying, 'I'm sorry ma'am', to me one more time.  I did get to Reitmans though, and returned to work a little hungry, but a new outfit in hand, so the lunch hour wasn't all bad.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

public service announcement

Counting the fat/calorie content in the snack that your girlfriend just consumed after you've returned yourself from an arduous calorie-burning bike ride is NOT cool.  Claiming your persusal was merely curosity of wondering how long you'd have to bike to burn off the snack you didn't eat doesn't make it any better, either.  Just sayin'.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

bad hair days and full moons seem to go together

Written at 11:30am this morning:

So, so far today I showered without a problem but before I had my finger on the button to press my hairdryer on the freaking power went out. It stayed out til 5 mins before I had to leave before I'd be REALLY late to get to work.  So I had to air dry my lovely coiff, and now it has so much product in it my head feels greasy (and I tried to run the flat iron over it when the power finally came back on in that quick 5 minutes when there was too much product in it and that was just a bad, bad, bad idea).  On account of there being no power I could not have my first coffee of the day - which is very, very important for me to have in my system prior to starting my work day (my coworkers and any customer that I come into contact can attest to that).  So now my hair looks like straw, my face feels like I smeared butter over it, and I smell like a combination of Tidestick & coffee creamer because I slobbered the one coffee I did have all over the front of my WHITE blouse.  And there's a full moon. And I'm only at my first break. Stellar.

Written at 2:20pm this afternoon:

I admit it, I'm a bit vain.  When you're trying to make people overlook your fluffy form you try your best to dress respectfully and have your general grooming in check.  For a while now, I've been treating myself to gel nails.  They make me feel like a lady.  And they help me keep from chowing down on my cuticles and nails (disgusting, gross, most non-ladylike habit of all time).  This evening I have an appointment for a fill.  They're in pretty rough shape.  As I make the motion to enter my car door at lunch, I somehow manage to jam my middle left finger nail under and up and over the door handle, instantly snapping my entire nails off.  Yes, nails.  That would mean the fake gel overlay, and the human nail underneath.  Clear off in one giant searing painful motion.  And then the blood.  Sweet baby Jesus the blood.  Oh and did I mention the pain? It felt like I had cut the tip of my finger off.  It throbbed and I bled through the first bandaid.  Yeah.  So my nail appointment is post-poned til next week.  And typing sorta hurts now so I'm going to stop.

Written at 8:45pm tonight:

Well, so I made it back to my house alive despite the near miss of the red Dodge that apparently wanted to try to get closer to me (watch where you're going, MORON!).  My feet are soaking and my finger is still throbbing.  I have no coffee for the morning but I don't dare risk going back outside.  It's almost dark and the moon is almost shining.  Besides, I'm having a bad hair day anyway.

Monday, 2 July 2012

"I just want her to hold a gun all night long"

Well, well, well, I can hardly contain my excitement!  It's hometown night!  Julie, Erin & Tanya are visiting the 'hood with me too, so I'll have some guest commentators.  I told them I had to blog about this as we watched because there was no way I could watch it twice.  And here we go....

Thank goodness we get the sh!t overwith first, and we have Chris' hometown date at the beginning.  The setting is Chicago. To ease the jitters, Chris takes her to a pub where they recap his meltdown last week over a beer.  {Erin thinks he has beautiful eyes.  The other girls are more concentrated on her teeth.  They say veneers over a flipper.  Whatever, there's something fake goin' on in that mouth}.  Onward to the Polish homestead.  His dad assures Emily that Chris likes children to play the Ricki card.  Chris' blonde sister played the overprotective, don't-mess-with-my-brother role, and they share a private moment complete with shared pink lipstick after Chris tells her he loves her.  The perfect end to a perfect evening?  Why a Polish polka party, of course!  (It really was as unexciting as it sounds).

Jef-with-one-f hails from Utah, home of the fundamentalist Mormans.  Skater boy shows he's way more country than appearances indicate. He takes her for a ride in a dune buggy thing & skeet shooting before onward to meet his family - which turns out to be just his many brothers and sisters.  His many. many brothers and sisters (those Mormans like to spawn don't they?).  One of his many brothers shows concern whether or not Jef is ready to jump right into being a father right away {if he'd been watching the show at all he'd know that's a nail in the coffin for Jef}.  His sisters seem to welcome her, and overall, despite the fact that ma and pa weren't there, it seems that this hometown was a good 'un.  They steal away for some alone time where Jef reads her a little love letter and they share some very juicy romantical kisses.  I like this guy.

I'm a little surprised that Arie wasn't the last date of the evening, but next up is a visit to Phoenix and the racetrack, and Arie.  They share a few laps in Arie's Indy car and some wine while Arie warns her that she has her work cut out for her to win over his mother.  They gather at Arie's homestead and not long after her arrival his momma begins chatting with Arie in Dutch {hey, Momma Arie, that's rude in our homeland}.   Despite an awkward start with the language barrier the date seemed to go smoothly enough and she was granted Arie's parents' blessing.  I still don't trust this guy.  I don't know what it is. I liked him at first, but now, I think she can do better. Way better.

Sean's date has been saved for last, and we're now in Dallas.  Sean introduces her to his dogs, and picks her a bouquet of wild flowers before bringing her home to his momma.  She fits right in to the pretty family {did you SEE that freaking playhouse complete with air conditioner?}. He plays a practical joke on her (and all 4 of us were mouth open in complete horror) as he claims to still live at home and takes her up to his 'room', complete with dirty socks, stuffed animals & cookie crumbs.  Every woman in North America shared a huge collective sigh of relief as he confessed that it was all a joke. Talk about an ice breaker.  {Julie is pushing for a big win for Sean, but Tanya figures he's going to be the next Bachelor (I wouldn't mind that)}.  The family embraced her with open arms, and Sean chased her moving vehicle for one last kiss.  I like this guy, too.

And to NO surprise to anyone, she FINALLY sends Chris packing.  He's all a twitch and I dare say we may not have seen the end of this guy.  I fear he may be one of those 'surprise' returning guests who stalk their rejector.  Hey Chris, take note, just because you love her doesn't mean she HAS to love you back.  Best part of the whole episode.  Agree?

Alternate post title:  "Who knew that Jef in his skinny jeans would have been such a good shot?"