How can one possibly expect love back if one doesn't love onself?
It's a hard lesson to learn.
I'm going to take baby steps and hope that those around me are patient, and accepting.
This time of year is rough for me...at first, I thought it was just an excuse I allowed myself - to 'make up for' times where I just wasn't my 'sunshine-y' self... However, after experiencing "down" patches consistently, around the same time of year, for the past 5 years, it's time to really look at it...here are a few possibilities:
-it's the end part of winter -Christmas behind, cold temps, stuck inside for months, the better part of the time coming home from the work day in the dark ... I think I do better when it's sunny and a little warmer.
-speaking of Christmas - it's that time of year when the bills seem to do nothing but accumulate (not to mention the added oil bill that's only around this time of year for us, since we have electric hot water) ... and now left with trying to 'pay off' Christmas.
-tax season is around the corner - for those of us who experience stress over money, there's always the added worry about 'paying in' and another bill to add to the all-consuming pile...
-oh, and the anniversary of Dad's passing is approaching...while he never really leaves my thoughts, this time of year his memory seems to be a complete constant. And it's not the 'happy memories of time with Dad' that are the constant ...memories of the final days are so vivid... thinking back to the day where the sores in his mouth were so bad that you couldn't understand him - but I heard him say 'good bye' before his tears fell...the guilt of those silent car rides we had together - why didn't I talk more?...the guilt of going out to supper with friends that night - and not being there when he died...the guilt of not saying "I love you" one last time because I thought I had one more tomorrow...
Maybe I'm just making excuses...I'm searching...I'm needing...I'm really down on 'me' lately...
baby step #1....
1 comment:
I met your Dad a few times during the time that Fred lived here - lots of fun. You should not beat yourself up about what you did or didn't say to your Dad - he knew you guys loved him and he adored his kids - there was no mistake about that - Cut yourself some slack girl, pick up that 1/2 FULL glass and remember February is the shortest month of the year(thank godness)next month is Spring :-) - until then there is much scrapping to do! :-)
Post a Comment