...

You greeted me every single time with an, "Oh hello!!", like you were truly greeting an old friend.  You always had a genuine smile on your face.  Every single time I passed through the drive-thru to your greeting and smile you took the time to chat before I pulled away.  I remember how excited you were when you found out I, too, had an affection for flavored coffee.  I remember the look of anticipation on your face as you urged me to try the latest flavor, offering it to me free if I could guess.

I barely knew you.

You were the 'coffee guy'.  The guy that was working every.single.time I went there.  You knew me by my car and had my regular order on your tongue before I had a chance to give it.

I didn't even know your name until I saw it on your obituary.

My heart breaks for your family and friends.  And I'm truly sorry I never got to know you better.

Rest in peace, Andrew.

I celebrate him in memory always...

Every single time.  Every single star.

Sunday night I had a message from a friend - a simple, yet poignant, "So....Father's Day kinda sucks!".  She lost her father less than 3 months ago.  I had no sugary 'make you feel better' comments to send back to her. Comiserate, yes, I could do that.  Because it does suck. It's sucked for the past 11 years for me.  11 years have gone by since I've had a father to celebrate on the one day that is established to do just that.  So for anyone out there who's estranged from their father, I implore you to mend your relationship before it's too late. Before he's no longer in the chair in front of you.  Before you no longer have the opportunity to lay a kiss upon his forehead.  Before the feel and strength of his hug is just a faded memory.  Before the sound of his voice and his laugh get harder to remember. You don't know how lucky you are to still make a new memory on Father's Day - any day.

When my father was in the hospital and I was in denial, I interrupted him.  I interrupted his conversation with me on what he wanted to do with some video clips he'd been saving.  I stopped him from explaining his intents for those clippings. I was scared to lose him.  I didn't like to even fathom that he wouldn't get out of that hospital bed.  My dad.  My big teddy bear of a man.  My hero.  There was no way he'd not make it out of there to continue on with what he wanted to do himself with those clippings.  I put my finger up to his lips and shushed him... "I don't want to hear it, Dad", I said,"because you're going to have an opportunity to do all that yourself when you get out of here".  Even though it wasn't even a remote possibility at the time, I also reminded him that I needed him around to walk me down the aisle when I eventually got married.  He looked me in the eye with a pained expression, simply agreeing with me to appease my mind, and said, "Yeah".  This conversation was even before we knew that it was cancer.  Before we had known it had spread and that his outlook was dismal at best.  Despite having no concrete proof, though, Dad had started that same conversation that day with, "You know a man shouldn't have to spend his final days like this...".

They say that you know when your time is nearing.  Despite the others around you being in complete and utter denial, you know yourself.  So you sometimes have that opportunity to express what your intents and wants are for any unfinished business you won't be able to take care of.  To say what you need to say.  I stifled it though.  I could have finished up the clipping project if I'd taken the time to hear him out and let him fnish.  I could have spent a longer time by his side that day and had a conversation with him when he still had his mind and his wits about him - before all the medication. I could have asked him so many questions about his thoughts, his childhood, his desire for how he wanted to be remembered.  I had been given the opportunity but I'd strangled it off without a second thought because I was scared to think of the end. My final memory of my father talking to me was a simple, "Good bye", before his eyes filled up with tears.  Everything else he'd said that day was inaudible because the medication had burned his mouth so badly that it made it impossible to understand. I'd lost my chance. Then, I lost my father.

Say whatever it is you want to say.  Before it's too late.  Call your father --- right now.  Tell him you love him - before you no longer have the chance.

In my heart always, xoxoxo

After Dad passed and we were going through some of his papers we'd come across a photocopy of the following verse.  It helped, somewhat, and for any of you still struggling with your own losses out there, I can't say anything to make you feel better.  It does suck.  It will always suck on the 'special' days, and the anniversary days.  Even the ordinary days when he's just more in mind and heart than usual.  There will be tears.  Let them flow.  Perhaps these words might take a bit of the sting away, or at the very least, let you realize that the feelings you have right now are felt and understood by someone else out there:

A Father's Love

Four of my friends have lost their father in the last week.  One death was expected as he'd been quite ill for some time; two were having health issues but I don't know that the pending loss was clearly on the cusp; and, one passed very suddenly, without warning, and my friend was off-Island visiting his in-laws when it happened. Three of these men were under the age of 70 years old.  My heart breaks for them all.  And it's at times like these that I have a lot of difficulty believing that "everything happens for a reason", and it's all a "part of God's plan".  Four families are now forever changed.  In four homes, there are four empty chairs.  In four homes, there are multiple broken hearts.

We never know when our last, "I love you", will actually be our last.  We often take for granted those that mean the most to us.  When we're faced with the unfillable void, it proves to be the emptiest that we may ever feel...

11 years ago today, my hero lost his own fight.  11 years has passed us by but it might as well be 11 days today as I sit and hold back the tears, remembering the greatest man I will ever know.  My first love. My father.  I miss you, Dad....it's been 11 years, but it's never gotten any easier.  I know you walk beside me.  I know you're watching out for me.  I just wish we'd had more time...  Forever your little girl xoxoxo.


A Father's Love
A father is respected because
he gives his children leadership...
appreciated because
he gives his children care...
valued because
he gives his children time...
loved because
he gives his children the one thing
they treasure most - himself.
~ unknown

And so they rode off into the sunset together ... on an elephant...

Well it's over.  And the *huge* announcement was that ABC will air their wedding to cement a relationship that began on a TV show.  Shocker.  I will miss seeing his beautiful chest every week, but I do wish them happiness.  Maybe even Trista-and-Ryan-happiness.  Because they both seem like good people.  And let's be honest - Catherine Lowe sounds sooooo much better than Lindsay Lowe doesn't it?  (Psst, Lindsay-the-bride, I do feel bad for you. I hope you're able to piece your heart together from the bajillion little pieces it's in since Thailand.  Good on ya for taking off those heels so you could get yourself to the car faster).

hmm...?

I wonder how many regular readers I've lost by this blog becoming a Bachelor summary.

Do people blog anymore?

Do people read blogs anymore between Facebook and Pinterest?

Are you still there?  What keeps you here?  Pop me a comment.  I'm trying to decide whether it might be time to take My Happy Place to its cyber grave.  Chris Harrison hasn't contacted me to blog for him, afterall.

hometowns, schmotowns

And then there were four....Hometown night, and we start in Houston, Texas and AshLee.  AshLee's adoptive family reveal a layer of overprotectiveness, and her dad tells the story of his 'first date' with her when she was 4.  Tell me there was a dry eye in the house, America - I dare you.

Seattle, Washington, the sun (!) and Catherine await Sean's next meeting.  Catherine's sisters express their doubt. I guess her mother gave her blessing; to be honest, I wasn't paying that much attention.  The hometown show usually bores me. I also wonder why we're even in Catherine's hometown. She's cute and all but I didn't really ever notice a spark betwixt the two *shrug*.

Lindsay-the-bride-army-brat's Something-About-Wood, MO is our next destination.  Lindsay throws Sean an army outfit and subjects him to a bit of an bootcamp which was actually kinda cute.  Then it was on to the General's place, who, in a roundabout way gave Sean his blessing to marry his daughter if they so choose to take their relationship that far (well, heck, she's got the dress anyway, right?).  It seemed like a positive date.  The General even gave Sean a pair of his own dog tags.  I still don't feel this union...we'll see.

Los Angeles is the backdrop of the drama and the union between Sean and Des' family... and before the drama with her family begins, there's a knock on the door and Desiree's ex-boyfriend appears confessing his undying love and affection for her (and I have to say it appeared completely scripted, and poor, POOR acting to boot).  Immediately I'm wondering if Sean's being punk'd just like he punk'd us on Emily's season, and like he punk'd her on their first date, come to think of it....*end commercial break*...and I'll just say HA!  Told ya so...  The date continues, and the meet the parents went fine; they seemed wholesome and happy for Des.  Then her brother calls him out as a playboy creating tension and awkwardness.  Could this be the demise of Sean & Des....hmmm...

Despite a painful turmoil-filled delay (thank the baby Jesus for recorded TV and a fast forward button), he does opt to keep his life drama-free and sends Des and her nasty brother packin'....and I gotta say, I honestly didn't see that coming.  I think he made a mistake, too.  I'm actually out of wit.  Guess we know who the next Bachelorette will be.  And maybe brother Nate will get the stick out of his ass by then.

"Once again, it's the Tierra show"*

Our next episode begins with all 6 remaining girls flying into St. Croix in a sea plane. After tonight we'll know who Sean plans to take on the hometown dates. The only "date rose" that will be given out tonight is the group date, and three lucky ladies are treated to one-on-one time.

AshLee is given the first one-on-one date, leading Tierra to belt out, "the cougar's back in town", in a fit of jealousy.  Sean and AshLee frolic around in the ocean and lay on the beach.  We are treated to a few lovely shots of his glorious chest, and AshLee opens up about the 'true' Tierra, and Sean seems receptive of her thoughts and feelings...least that's what we're led to believe... They have a romantic candlelit dinner on the beach, and AshLee reveals a deep dark secret - that she was a married high school junior.  Sean of course goes all Ryan Gosling on her and says he thinks she's perfect the way she is, and she shouts her love for Sean into the night sky.

Meanwhile, Tierra is chosen for the second, and her first, one-on-one, though she is very concerned about bugs, sweatiness and her makeup dripping off when it's announced their date's theme is exploring the streets of St. Croix rather than relaxing boatside.  They go shopping, eat snowcones, and despite the risk of sweating, dance with a street parade.  There's some slight tension during their alone time but then Sean shakes it off to taking too much stock in what AshLee is saying, and Tierra then goes on to secure her spot by affirming that she's falling in love with him.

Lindsay-the-bride, Catherine & Des are surprised very early as Sean waltzes into their room awaking them from a snoozy slumber to announce that they are leaving on their date in 5 minutes.  To add to the surprise he takes their picture because he wants to see them without makeup on.  I'd punch him.  The reason for the early wake-up is to watch the sunrise together (ok, I guess I'd forgive him for the camera thing).  They travel the length of the island, stopping in various places and spaces to play tourist, ultimately ending at the other side of the island to see the sunset (ok so that really does sound like a perfect date).  To America's (well, at least my) surprise, Des didn't get the group date rose, and instead the flower was handed to Lindsay-the-bride, and maybe it was the Universe giving Sean a sign for his decision with the rose...there was no sunset because the sun was hidden behind the clouds (*queue dramatic music*).

And finally, the last one-on-one date embarks with Lesley.  The sun returns, in full force, and the couple share a picnic lunch under the trees. Sean does his best to pull our her feelings, but I gotta say, their 'alone time' was all shades of awkward. Methinks he shouldn't bother asking too much about her family...

That bitch be ca-raaaayzay!!!!!

Sean's sister Shay joins Sean in trying to make his final decision, where he mulls over the option to keep Tierra in the running, and inbetween musings, the camera pans to the best drama of the season and a confrontation between AshLee and Tierra (I actually rewound it to watch it all again, and I do want to commend the producers for an excellent drama flow). Sean enters the house with the intention of grabbing Tierra to meet Shay but instead of a smiling Tierra, he finds a post-drama meltdown Tierra, and he FINALLY sees the light and realizes it's time to send her ass HOME...pan to the taxi ride and an ugly cry, and it's a done deal.

Guinness record be damned, Lesley is also sent packing, and moving along to show us their hometowns are Lindsay-the-bride, Des, Catherine, and AshLee.  After seeing the preview to the next episode I can hardly wait for the drama that ensues with Des' brother.  And we thought we were through with the drama with the departure of Ms. Tierra.  Oh that Bachelor! You just never can tell!

*Alternate post title: "I cannot control my eyebrow"