"Everybody, watch your back; we have a tierr-orist on our hands"

The show begins with Sean's exclamation, "I love Canada!" -- aww, Sean...Canada loves you, too!! (again, no starting scenes of Sean's chest; wtf??).

The beautiful Canadian Rockies, Lake Louise and Banff & Jasper National Parks are the settings of this week's episode.  Catherine is chosen for the first one-on-one and Sean picks her up in a giant snow bus in the middle of what looks like Blizzard Nemo. They go sledding and make snow angels, and go for a drive on a horse-drawn carriage to an ice castle.  Catherine shares a personal story about a loss early in her life which secures the date rose; Sean's crazy about her.  He's crazy about a lot them, though.

The group date starts off with a canoe ride; I guess Sean really didn't pay that much attention to the Montana Relay did he?  They make it to their destination only to be told that they are going to take part in the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge (when in Canada, do as the Canadians do, eh?).  An EMT is on stand-by and they are coached on the risks of hypothermia. At least we get to see another glimpse of his chest, right?  Selma opts out of the 'challenge', but the others take the leap and all are giggles and jubilation for having done it.  Tierra's cold heart must have gotten a shock, though, because she needed to be escorted away by the medics (is ANYONE surprised?  If any of you were on the fence, her whiny pout, "...but I miss time with him..." should have cemented it. The attached photo is the pout if you need reminding).  She's careful to reinsert her oxygen tube just as he walks into her room to see if she's ok, and suggests she stay at the hotel and rest instead of joining them later that night.  To no one's surprise, she lands there anyway.  To Tierra's surprise, Lesley gets the group rose, though.  And, he sends Sarah home. I hope she doesn't think it's because she only has one arm.

Des gets the second one-on-one date, and they start at the highest point of Banff National Park where they repel down a 400ft mountain to a waiting picnic. They climb a tree and kiss between the branches, and end the date by the fire in a big teepee. She opens up about her childhood of humble beginnings and gets the date rose. They kiss some more. She could be Mrs. Sean. The date ends with her declaration of her own life metaphor of telling Sean how she grew up living in a tent, and now she's falling in love in a teepee.  Is that not what country songs and soap operas are made of, or what?

The rose ceremony takes a rather saucy turn as Selma goes against her religious beliefs  to plant a kiss on Sean's lips (SELMA! What will your mother say??!), Lindsay admits to sleeping naked, and LeeAnn gets Sean to blindfold her.  Between all that and Tierra's constant manipulation and girl crying wolf stuff, it's apparent that the remaining girls will do just about anything to secure their mitts with a rose, and should ultimately make Sean's pending decisions for who gets what rose a lot more trying.  In the end, Daniella, shirked from any and all one-on-one opportunities, and Selma, despite having gone against her religion and risking breaking her mother's heart, are sent to find love somewhere else this week, as Sean gives the final rose to Tierra.  Next episode looks full of Tierra drama, and just from the preview alone, I already have my post title for the next summary post.  Happy Sunday, folks :)

*Lesley, who I like more and more each week.

"If I want to go get engaged I can easily go get engaged; there are plenty of #%*ing guys in the world"*

Ok so since this blog has now resurfaced as a "Bachelor blog", and since I'm storm-stayed inside on account of "Blizzard Nemo" it seems as good a time as any to get caught up on this past week's shows. Yes, shows, plural.  I have 4 hrs to plow through (pardon the blizzard pun).  Thank GOODNESS I chose to just let the PVR do its work so I didn't actually have to commit an entire 4 hrs of my life on the show this week.

Thank you inTouch; thank you.

The dreaded two-on-one date approaches the house, and as Chris Harrison claims, things are getting serious and the eleven remaining girls head to Montana to join Sean {Holy CRAP....is the water REALLY that blue??}.  I'm very disappointed as I'm already 6 mins into the show and I've not seen Sean's chest or boxer-briefed buttocks.  {I've taken the liberty of posting a photo courtesy of the interwebs and inTouch magazine to make up for this episode's slack.  You're welcome}.

Lindsay-the-bride is the winner of the one-on-one date.  No pressure, just fun.  And they begin their date on, you guessed it, a helicopter, and they head to Glacier National Park, and then sit fireside after the sun goes down.  Sean gets to know her a little more as they talk about her past and her Daddy issues from being an Army brat during the war.  They kiss. She gets the date rose.  Sean seems into her, but then again, doesn't he seem that way with every single girl when they have some alone time?  Her voice drives me.  The little town hosts a concert with some upcoming country artist I have no idea about, and the two join the party and dance among the entire population of Whitefish, Montana.

The group date begins, and the girls embark on the "Bachelor's Montana Wilderness Relay Race", including a canoe race, a hay drag, log sawing, and milking goats (oh, and then drinking the goat milk).  The girls are split into two teams of 4, and they compete to win more time with Sean.  The looks on their manicured faces when they were advised of the tasks ahead of them were a little priceless.  The athleticism was amazing, too, by the way.  Selma, Sarah, Des, and Robyn hailed as champions, but in true Sean fashion, Sean bends the rules to have the losers join the winners after all, so he didn't lose out on some important one-on-one time with the losers.  Des is very perturbed that she chugged back goat's milk for nothing.  Tierra, who wasn't even a part of the group date decides she needs to manipulate even MORE of Sean's time to make up for him choosing her to be one of the two on the upcoming two-on-one date, and surprises Sean by interrupting the group date to assure him of her presence in the house (man oh man, he better watch his back if he ends up sending her home).  Daniella has a meltdown on Sean's shoulder and softie-Sean ends up assuring her that she has nothing to worry about by giving her the date rose.

The two-on-one is between Jackie & Tierra; Tierra thinks her little visit on the group date nabs her rose so she embarks on the date with renewed confidence (ie, cockiness - there really is a very, very fine line, and if you ask me, I don't see much of a difference).  They ride horses and stop for lunch, where Sean splits up his time between the two girls. Jackie seals her fate as she 'enlightens' Sean about a nasty side of Tierra (that never, ever bodes well on this show; hasn't she watched ANY previous seasons?).  Tierra eats up some more 'alone' time with Sean, opening up about a previous relationship that she had where the guy had passed away, further manipulating her spot in the house, and Jackie is sent home in the limo as Tierra and Sean sit underneath a sky of fireworks.

The cocktail party stirs up some drama where some of the girls approach Tierra and she gets her stinger poised and ready to strike out, and Sean walks past as she threatens to sting them all.  Sean pulls Tierra aside, and Tierra claims all the girls are attacking her. Sean wants to address the concerns, and for a brief moment, the audience is led to believe he might be starting to think that Tierra isn't there for the right reasons. For a moment, we wonder if he might take the rose away from Tierra.  Of course not. Ultimately, Robyn is sent home, and luckily for her, Sean walks her out so she doesn't risk falling down on the way out of the house like she did on the way in. I didn't like her much anyway.

I'll post this now to give ya'll something to read - off to hit play on part 2 of the week... I can barely contain myself.

*Tierra, in response to the girls' questioning her sincerity; seems like it sums her up, no?

"Tierra-ble"

It seems like every show begins on a high note, doesn't it?  One tip, however, the clips from the walk-in closet were too quick, producers!  Work on that for the next one, would ya? {#Seanhasthecutestbum}

Selma gets the first one-on-one date and they get the red-carpet treatnent as they take off in a private jet in their sneakers and Lululemons, landing in the desert.  They rock climb in Joshua Tree National Park, and after conquering her fear of heights and sweat, Selma gets to trade in her hiking sneakers for her 6 inch heels as they have dinner at a quaint little trailer park (??). Sean's eager lips go unrequited, though, as Selma explains her strict religious Arabic background. He'll be some horny if he keeps her around til the end, eh wha?

A huge thank you to whomever doctored up this pic ;)

A skating rink is the setting of the group date and the girls suit up for an old fashioned battle of roller derby.  Sarah has a melt-down because she only has one arm.  Amanda lies to them all about having had previous derby experience, and then, in her over-confidence bites it so bad she fractures her jaw.  Since the medics had to be called in, Sean decides that instead of having an actual ass-kickin' bout, they should just opt to have a free skate around the rink.  {And, as I see them all glide around to the sound of Journey I'm feeling very melancholy as I remember the fun times I had at Skate Country.  Man, I still miss that place.  I bet I wouldn't be a fat girl if that place still existed.  Thanks Dave Beaton; you made me fat.}  Tierra has a hissy fit (complete with a snorty ugly cry, that is), threatens to leave the house entirely, and Sean coddles her with the group rose.  Classic manipulation 1, innocent Sean, 0.

Leslie H is awarded the second one-on-one date.  To prepare Leslie for her evening out Sean sends her diamond earrings, and they go shopping Pretty Woman-style on Rodeo Drive to find an outfit to match her new bling {She looks no more like Julia Roberts than I do; if anything, I think she resembles a giraffe}.  Dressed to the nines, the two share dinner, and although Sean teasingly holds the rose in his hand in front of her,  he simply explains why he can't give it to her because he has no romantic feelings, and sends her to ride off into the sunset. Least she has a pair of pretty earrings to take back home with her, though, right?

The rose ceremony ends with a bruised Amanda walking to the waiting limo. You'd think he'd at least have given her a pity rose til her bruised jaw healed a little, wouldn't you?  Oh that Sean, he's just full of surprises,  though, isn't he?

*A rather fitting title; thanks to one of the girls for a delightful play-on- words.  She is NOT the cute little innocent I thought she was on night one.  The drama is fun though :)

"I feel like such a hot mess"*

So another show begins with a shot of his delicious chest. It's like the producers read my blog or something.  And there's no messin' around tonight, as the first one-on-one date quickly embarks between Sean (whoops! have I been misspelling his name all this time? Must've been that chest) and Lesley (she coulda stood a root job herself), and the two play tourist at the Guinness Museum.  After viewing the world's smallest woman, the world's tallest man, and Sean's own father's personal world record, Sean brings Lesley out amongst an anxious crowd to cheer them on a challenge of their own - to beat the world record of the longest on-screen kiss (someone pass the chapstick)...  Apparently, the record had been set for 10 years, but lo and behold, the two did surpass the marker of 3mins 15 secs, and what better way to start a budding romance?  Their date is sealed with a chapped-lip kiss and a rose for Lesley.  Shocker.  She just lip-locked with him for nearly the length of a pop song how could he not give her the rose??

The group date is a competitive beach volleyball game with 2 groups of 6 ladies.  The prize for the winning team? Quality time with the Bachelor, of course. The losing team had to ship back out to the mansion, and they were as sore as sore could be, complete with a few ugly tears (seriously? I could be in bed now).  The 'winners' were KacieB, Amanda, Taryn, Des, Leslie and Lindsay-the-bride.  Last episode Amanda showed her moodiness as she stared off into a different dimension when she was among the girls, and then was Joe Smiley when Sean came near.  KacieB feels there's something "sinister" about her and approaches Sean, who calls her a crazy person...and then ultimately gives Lindsay-the-bride the group date rose.

AshLee is the final girl to get a one-on-one date, and just as she is about to ride off with Sean a loud crash is heard in the distance, and all of a sudden we see Tierra crumpled up in a heap at the bottom of the stairwell.  Sean insists they call a medic, and as she is strapped to the board by about a dozen medics she begins to cry and insists they let her go because it was unnecessary....and then snuggles on the back deck with Sean, all smiles.  The girls have their suspicion that she's playing it up like the boy who cried wolf, and I gotta say, it does look fairly plausible...she was on the losing volleyball team, so before this, she virtually had no time with him this week... Sean finally pulls himself away from the patient and he and AshLee jump in Sean's jeep and off they go to Six Flags Amusement Park (the entire park to themselves, and two chronically ill children (handsome and a heart of gold...yes, that noise you hear in the distance is all of America swooning)).  They spend the day together riding coasters and end the date with a private country concert.  The two share some intimate time getting to know one another, and she opens up about a bit of a rough childhood, which brings Sean to tears (jeeeeeeeze, he's handsome, has a heart of gold, AND isn't afraid to show emotion), and AshLee gets the date rose (ok, waaaaitaminute....she admits she's opened up more to him than she's 'ever opened up to anyone before'...really?? You've known him for...two weeks??).

The cocktail party was a proverbial tug of war and jealousy with one girl pulling on Sean's arm just as he sat with another one, and none of them could complete a sentence. Before the rose ceremony even begins, with rose in hand, mind you, Sean then pulls KacieB aside to let her go.  How not waiting for him to give out his batch of roses would have made it any easier on her, I'm not sure, but maybe it was the principle of the matter?  Joining her on the road home were Taryn and the Ford model.  I shan't miss either.

2 catty comments to end the night:

One - Sarah's voice DRIVES ME BATTY!
Two - Ford model chick is NOT PRETTY!

Night ya'll!

P.S.  ooooh next week looks good...roller derby, eh? I wonder if Tierra's old stairwell injury will be back to haunt her?

*Sarah, after Sean arranged for her to reunite with her dog, since he didn't have any one-on-one time with her this week.

"I'm vegan but I love the beef"

In case any of us forgot just how awesome his chest is, the episode begins with a close-up of the chest mid-workout and post-workout-wet-shower-goodness. Mmmm, mmm, mmm....where was I again? Oh yes, episode two.  Yeah.  The lucky lady on the very first one-on-one date was Sarah, and I mean no disrespect, really, I swear, but if she does NOT stop going on about only having one arm I'm going to SCREAM!  Yes, you're different, and yes, I'm certain you are just as capable as anyone with two good arms...but honey, you're the ONLY ONE making anything of it...shut UP already.  They strapped up and free fell down the side of a skyscraper and onward to a champagne toast. We heard her bemoan her 'disability' just a little bit more.  That's it, though, right?  She's got it all out, right?

{Oh my God, he's cute}

The group date takes place in a big castle where they got spackled and fluffed to the max for a photoshoot for future Harlequin romance novels. Of COURSE the Ford model was one of the 13 girls.  Tierra was as well, and we're witness to the very first inklings of her jealous streak and the distaste the other girls feel toward her (hello drama! loves it!).

{Yoga instructor needs some VO5 treatment....and PRONTO, and Kacie really should have had her roots done before the show started, don't you think?}

Yogi sends herself home (and hopefully onto the drugstore for that VO5) and KacieB gets the group rose, and smugly rubs it in the noses of the other girls as she 'toasts' their date.

The next one-on-one date is given to Desiree, and a pactical joke at an art gallery, and as a result of her being such a good sport through it all, she is rewarded with a homecooked meal at Shawn's hand, in his place (I don't believe for a minute that he made it).  They appear to share some good chemistry.  I think she's adorable.  And they'd make gorgeous babies! (Oh, and I love how he's nicknamed her "Des").

Brooke (who??), and Diana get the boot, and the next episode looks much more exciting than this was.  Did ya watch?

Alternate post title:"Tacky hoes are a dime a dozen"

Merlin

Name one of the most comforting sounds you can think of.  I have a few, but a cat's purr is definitely high on the list.  There's just something snuggly about a little purry kitty, in a little ball in your lap, like there's nowhere else he or she would rather be than to chill with you.  Zoe's a big purring machine.  Bosco was when he was just a kitten, but as he aged, I thought he lost his ability to purr. Turns out it's there, it's just infrequent, and usually only comes out when Chris is the one scratchin' him.  On the way home from work, the DJ on the radio played a sound, followed by a commercial break and his promise of letting the audience know what the sound was.  I thought it resembled a cat, but wasn't 100% sure.  Turns out yes, it was a cat.  Not a lion. Not a tiger.  Not a cheetah.  But a housecat.  Merlin, to be exact.  Apparently most domestic house cats purr at a decibel of about 25.  Merlin caps out at a whopping 100 decibels.  His owner is attempting to get him into the Guiness Book of World Records.  Every time I hear him peak out at 100dB, I giggle:

And, truth be told, as cute as a short video is, I'm sorta glad my Zoe is probably more in the "normal" dB range.  Happy Monday!

"I can't use, 'It's not you, it's me', cause obviously it's them"*

A return to the Bachelor, and maybe a few more regular blog posts for ya'll.  This season's installment stars the beautiful beach-blonde, muscle-bound Shawn Lowe.  We were first introduced to Shawn when Emily was trying her hardest to find Mr. Right.  Many viewers felt she made the wrong decision for letting Shawn pack up and go on his merry way, but now we're reaping the benefits of just that, as he embarks upon his own journey to find a mate.  He's super cute, has an amazing chest, and he seems pretty darn sweet, to boot, doesn't he?

{Maybe he's only good looks?? I cannot believe he enlisted Arie-in-the-stupid-skinny-jeans for a pre-mansion pep talk, complete with lessons on how to kiss like a pro; fortunately, I had the blog to distract me a little til that was OVER.}

Night one is always a little boring, but in true Bachelor fashion, there were dirty looks, drunken debauchery, jealousy, premature tears, and the handing out of about a dozen roses ahead of the actual rose ceremony itself.  I liked that he did that; he easily weeded through the obvious choices. I have just a few words about the girls:

AshleyP- That girl is just 50 Shades of WRONG!  I hated her before her pre-meeting-Shawn introduction was over. Her behaviour at the cocktail party was appalling (although I might have rewound her fall about 5 times...helllooo, trainwreck, thy name is Ashley!).
Kelly the lounge singer - overdosed on her self-tanner and her hair extensions. She didn't make any first impression on me - nor Shawn, to my delight.
Robyn - she who opts to do backflips in a sequined dress deserves to fall on her face (everyone wants to make a good first impression, but that was ridiculous).
Tierra - First impression?  I kinda like her; her interview tape was cute; I love her tattoo, and I LOVE the fact that Shawn opted to give her a rose before even meeting the rest of them (take that for a leading first impression, backflipper).  However, if the teaser at the end of the first episode is any indication, she may turn out to be the next girl we all love to hate.  Ah, drama....Bring it!
Dianna's dress was STUPID.
Kristy (the Ford model) - her self-assuredness is going to get old. Quick.
Lindsay-the-bride - a little much. if you ask me.  You're not a goofball you're an idiot. And I can't believe you got the last rose. He should have kept the one who travelled all those miles... Who knows, though. Maybe once she sobers up she'll surprise us all?
KacieB - as in B from Ben's season. Hey, everyone deserves love, right? And Ben didn't love her, so she called the producers to see if maybe Shawn would. I always liked her so I'm not upset to see her join the fun...a little added jealousy for the other girls might be a little fun, too.
Desiree -I like her, too.  She's really cute, and seems like she's down to earth - not phoney like about 75% of them.  If I had to pick one out of the lot to be the last girl standing after having seen just the first episode, I'd go with her.
Taryn - Tip for ya, chickie - crying on night ONE merely displays your INSTABILITY.  Go back home to your therapist.  Noo wait, you're safe, for at least a week.  Apparently the other Ashely was just a BIT more unstable than you (fre--eak!)

Ahhh ABC, once again, you've made my Monday nights (err....well, in this case, my Sunday night, as I finally got to watch last week's premiere episode courtesy of the PVR).  Since it's recorded, maybe I'll go back and watch that fall again...).  Stay tuned, girlies!

*Bachelor Shawn, on his 'breakup' strategy
**Optional post title:  "A little bit of a bum-ski"