in dreams

Remember I posted a little while ago about signs from beyond?  There are many people who believe that our loved ones return to periodically inhabit wild life such as birds or the like or to leave things like feathers or dimes in random places for us to find.  I've seen a number of dimes around the house, but as dear Christopher is always leaving a little "trail" as he moves about the house, I can't be altogether sure that the dimes I'm finding are not just spare change that he's missed putting in his piggy bank. However, another 'sign' known to happen is for the loved one to speak in one's dreams, or even be the voice that you hear in your head when you're thinking of something or struggling with a decision. Prior to losing Dad, I was always more skeptical of any of these things, and I could easily find a more scientific explanation for 'unknown' happenings.  I have to admit, however, that I am now a lot more open to other possibilities, and have caught myself asking him to leave me a sign.

A few weeks ago I woke up crying. Crying from the dream that I had just had. It was one of those lazy Saturday mornings when you wake up, look at the time on the alarm clock, consider getting up but then roll over and go back to sleep again. A few times. And in between each perusal of the clock, dreaming in broken intervals. In my last broken dream, there were remote control aircraft everywhere. They were buzzing around my head, zooming in and out, back and forth. I was getting more and more irritated by the second. I walked down the hallway, glancing into a bedroom where I found Dad, sitting on the edge of the bed,  manning every one of the aircraft controls. He had a controller in each hand, one balancing in the crook of his elbow, shoulder and one in his lap. He looked up at me, glasses down on his nose, with a great big smile on his face, and said, "Hey babe! I'm just stopping in to let you know that I'm doing okay!"

Thank you, Dad. I needed that. More than you know.  Happy belated Father's Day in Heaven...xo.

Dreams that weren't so sweet...

I woke up in tears this morning - after a fitful night of dreaming the same dream, over and over. It wasn't the exact same dream, but the subject repeated itself over and over... and it got progressively worse. You know how bad you feel when you dream that someone close to you is dying or has died, and the relief you feel when you wake up, and sigh -- knowing that, thank GOD, that was just a dream? Have you ever woken up from such a dream, wanting desperately for that sense of relief, but it's not there, because the person is no longer there? Before today, any dream I've ever had where Dad's been in it, he's just been there - happy, healthy, a part of our lives. Never sick. Last night/this morning's recurring dreams saw him in bed, increasingly sicker in each dream...physically changing each time I went to see him, and in the dreams, I was coming to the realization that he was dying. I've never woken up with such an empty feeling in my life.

The last time I woke up I didn't let myself go back to sleep because I was afraid of what the next dream would be.

I miss him so much.