I will remember you...

People say you never forget your first.  Todd was my first.  He was the first boy to tell me he loved me.  He was the first boy to break my heart into a million little pieces.  I was 17.  He was 19.  We'd met through my friend Lori's older brother, Paul.  Todd and Paul hung out together. The two of us met at Lori & Paul's house. Both Lori & Paul had a few friends in while their parents were away.  We took a shine to each other that night, and began dating that week.  I was in my final year of high school and I was so excited to have a boyfriend that I would be able to take to the prom with me.  I ordered my grad ring that year, and opted for the one with the stone inside.  Most who chose the stone ordered the ruby stone, since our school colours were red and white.  I, on the other hand, ordered the bright blue stone.  The stone closest to the colour of Todd's eyes (I kid you not).  Unfortunately, Todd had a wandering eye, and he let it wander when he was still dating me, and that ultimately led to our parting.  I took him back briefly, but as I couldn't trust him, it didn't last very long the second time.  I ended up going to the prom with a boy that I didn't know.  After my 'back up' date fell through very close to the prom date, my father set me up to go with a boy that worked in his office. Dad thought he was a nice kid.  It was late in the year, and everyone else had been asked, and I sure didn't want to go alone.  I actually considered asking Todd to take me, even for old time sake, but at the time, he was involved with another girl.

Life carried on.  I had several more heartbreaks thereafter, learning something from each one.  I ran into Todd a few times in between, and each time there was always something in his eye...something that told me that he still cared... neither of us let it go any further than that though.  Jump ahead 20 years, Todd found himself married with kids.  We reconnected again via Facebook, but didn't see each other again in person until just before Christmas last year.  I ran into him at Home Hardware.  He was there waiting for his brother to go to lunch.  A brother he just found out he had.  He was so happy to have found him. We talked that day for a really long time.  We remininsced.  He had a few health problems that he had alluded to. No details, aside from the fact that he commented that he felt it was life's way of getting back at him for treating some people in his life (like me) so badly.  We parted, smiling and shared a hug. I was happy for him  that he had a good family and home.  I was happy for me, too, being in a steady, mutually satisfying relationship.  Life had gone on. I no longer remembered the 'bad times' or the hurt that Todd caused. We were friends, and that felt good.

***
Last week, I got a message from Lori. She was sharing some news about Todd.  He had been sent to the hospital in Halifax.  He was unconscious, and the outlook, grim.  Not usually one for praying, I prayed that day.  I prayed that he'd recover.  I prayed for his young family.  That message arrived on Thursday.  On Saturday, a further message had arrived advising me that the doctors were giving him 2 days. I was floored.  In shock.  How could this be happening?  On Monday, a further note arrived to let me know that they were taking him off life support that day.  Within a few more hours, he was gone. 

He was 41 years old.  He left behind a wife, and 4 kids, 18 years, 7 years, 4 years and 1 year.  He stayed home with those kids after some health problems prevented him from working outside the house. Daddy being home is all those young kids know.  Now Daddy is not there.  They're too young to comprehend what has happened.  They're undoubtedly calling out for him.  The youngest won't even remember him.  I'm just crushed thinking about it.  How will his family ever get over this?  No parent should ever have to bury their own child.  No son or daughter should grow up without knowing his or her father.

I'm so sad.

You broke my heart once before Todd, and now, my heart is broken again.  I cry for a life lost much, much too soon.  I cry for your wife. Your loss will be unbearable for her. I cry for your children. Tyler had an opportunity to know you as a wonderful father, and your loss will be a void that will never ever be filled for him.  Jock, Sadie and Willa are still so young...they will cry out for you.  They will not understand why you aren't in the room anymore.  Jock will remember you, but the memories will be so distant.  Sadie and Willa may not be able to hang on to any early memories at all.  Watch out for them...

Rest in peace, my dear friend.  Thank you for the memories you have given me. I will never, ever, forget you.

~ A friend who dies, it's something of you who dies.
Gustave Flaubert