Pounds

Ok - all jokes aside - I'm fat. I know I'm fat. I know I eat horribly. I know that the amount of 'exercise' I've done in the last year is embarrassing. I know that I'm not happy with myself the way I am. I know that I've disappointed myself for getting to this point. I know every time I glance in the mirror and do the side-profile-whilst-sucking-in-stomach, my disappointment grows. I know that I avoid having my picture taken with every ounce of my being. I know that when I do see a photo of myself, I try to see it as 'the camera just adding the extra 90-100lbs', but I know that's just me trying to excuse it away and trying to avoid reality. I know that I'm not healthy. I know that I limit even my leisure activities because of my size. And, I know that I need to do something about it.

I'm torn between attempting to make some changes on my own or seeking the help of a professional weight loss program. Obviously I haven't been very good at doing this on my own, because I've envisioned this great big 'plan of attack' a number of times, and haven't acted on it any of those times...(read between the lines...LAZY). So, the reasonable answer, then, would be to seek professional help. They are the experts - it's what they do. They will ensure that I succeed....right? One of the reasons I'd prefer to do it 'on my own', though, is wanting it to be a "life change". I want to change my ways and change my life - permanently, instead of trying a 'program' that eventually ends, and with it ending, having the pounds just come back on when I fall off the program wagon. However, perhaps a program of sorts would be a good stepping stone for me, as I do have such a long road ahead to lead me to this 'life change'. The biggest hurdle of joining a program honestly, is the cost.

I hate being limited to what I do because of money. I know I'm 'worth it'...but irregardless of my worth, there still needs to be the extra funds in the bank to support it. I will admit that I do need to learn to budget better as well - so if I attempted a budget and stuck to it, I should be able to juggle something. The thing that REALLY boils me in all this though, is the fact that programs to educate a person on how to eat better/improve their health/life cost so much money. It's unfair; it's unjust. It's wrong. It's preying on the feeling of inadequacy that comes with being overweight. It's rapacity on behalf of the creators of these programs, and it just disgusts me.

I smell some major, difficult, painful resolutions in my future.